101 Ways To Annoy Kratos Aurion
by Videogamatic
Summary: Title says it all. Rated T for crude humor and language.
1. Chapter 1

VGA: Okay, so basically, this is a crack fic that makes absolutely no sense. Just like the title says, it's lists 101 ways to annoy, piss off, anger, disturb, and freak out the Great Kratos Aurion.

Oh, and the asshole next to me is my muse, Announcer Dude

AD: I'm being held here against my will

VGA: Do I need to put the shock collar on again?

AD: NO!! Please don't!!

VGA: Anyway, I'm gonna list twenty annoyances per chapter, making this a five chapter fic. Well here it goes. Announcer Dude?

AD: Here's Chapter One

VGA: Good boy! (Throws a rice krispie)

* * *

Chapter One

1. Follow him around like a lost puppy

2. Spray paint on all his suits, "Real Men Wear Purple"

3. Tell him the "circle of life"

4. Send a herd of wildebeests to run him over

5. Threaten to kill him with a squeaky sword

6. Go into his room at night with a noose and a shotgun. If he asks what you're doing, claim you were sleepwalking

7.Stick your finger up his nose and claim there was "something shiny" in there

8. Yell, "Rip off artist!!", kick him in the shins, then run away as fast as possible

9. Offer him some Bazooka Bubble Gum

!0.Tie him to a chair and force him to watch all the episodes of Hannah Montana

11. Ask him if he wants to see the gun show, then show him your biceps

13. Address him as Sir Piss-A-Lot

14. Whenever he kicks someone's ass, say, "Damn right! That'll teach that piece of shit to mess the Kratosnator!!" (Unless you're the one whose ass he kicked)

15. Chase him yelling, "CHOOOOOOCOLAAAAAAAATE!!!!!!!!!!"

16.Slap him with a rubber chicken

17. Send him a Chuckie doll for Hanukkah

18. Leave a note on his desk saying, "I know your secret"

19. Send him a bowl of tomato sauce

20. "At least I don't have faggish glittering fairy wings!!"

* * *

VGA: So what do you think?

AD: I think something's wrong with you

VGA: Who asked you? Anyway, ideas are accepted. Although, I can't make any promises. If you have some ideas, be specific. I get confused easily.

AD: Review! And leave a cookie for me.


	2. Chapter 2

VGA: I'm baaaaack…

AD: Shit.

VGA: Anyway, I'm so glad so many people like this fic. I'm surprised no one thought of this already. Announcer Dude?

AD: Here's Chapter-

VGA: Wait. Hold up a sec

AD: GOD!!! WHAT NOW!?!?

VGA: Ah, you see, I did a live preview of the first chapter afterwards and realized I kinda miscounted…

AD: Sheesh, you can't even count right

VGA: Oh shut up. Anyway, there are twenty one annoyances in this chapter to make up the difference for last chapter. That's all. Sorry I'm such a dumbass. Announcer Dude, do your thing

AD: Thank you. Here's Chapter Two

* * *

Chapter Two

21. "Your mama's so ugly, look at you!"

22. Ask, "Do you know what this means?" then give him the finger

23. Tell him to switch to Geico

24. Put a flashlight under your face and say, "I see gay people… And they all look like you!"

25. Pay Lloyd to ask him to take him to Toys 'R Us. Videotape the whole thing and use it as blackmail

26.Tell him that Zelos wanted to meet up with him later on so they could review "Sonic Thrust"

27.Tell him that Regal is standing behind him in a playboy bunny suit. See if he gets whiplash

28. Sign him up for American Idol

29. Give him the finger (the _ring_ finger I mean)

30. "Sorry, Zelos is already seeing someone. But don't worry, I'm sure Yuan's still available!"

31. Take him to see Alvin And The Chipmunks (It just came out)

32. Accuse him of being a child molester. Bribe Lloyd to pretend to be a "victim"

33. Pay a sky writer to write, "KRATOS SUCKS ASS"

34. Put itching powder in his underwear drawer. When he scratches his lucky charms the next day, videotape it and put it on Youtube (It'll be a hit for sure)

35. Lock him with a closet with Zelos

36. Sing, "If you were gay I'd shout hooray!!" then shout hooray right in his face

37. Accuse him of being Lactose Intolerant

38. [Idea inspired by Moonshine's Guide Jump on his back for a piggyback ride

39. [Idea inspired by Sage of Spirits Tell him that Lloyd has been captured by Penguiners and is being held hostage in Triet. When he gets there, have a banner placed in front saying, "SUCKER!!!"

40. "Whoo! Kratos is bringing sexy back!"

41. Say, "You're the one who brought rise to Cruxis!! You killed your wife and abandoned your son!! You're a horrible person and deserve to die!! Burn in hell you stupid bastard!!" then run away crying

* * *

AD: There were a lot of gay ones in there…

VGA: Yeah. I don't personally think Kratos is gay but it's just so easy so make fun about. I'm mean, look at him. He wears purple spandex and has faggish glittering fairy wings. I still love him though.

AD: She has a shirt with a photocopied picture of him without a shirt on

VGA: It's my most prized possession. I had to slaughter a horde of katz and two penguiners to get it

AD: Review, unless you're too scared to…

VGA: See you next time

AD: Leave more cookies


	3. Chapter 3

VGA: Sup?

AD: You say that all the time

VGA: I know...

AD: Um, here's Chapter Three

* * *

Chapter Three

41. Ask him how many times he dropped Lloyd on his head as a baby

42. Send him an autographed picture of Seymour Asses

43. Ask him if his nuggets are crusty (Because of the itching powder gag)

44. Put gum in his hair

45. Bake him a cake full of laxitives. Be sure to barracade all the bathrooms beforehand

46. Ask if you can see the cuts on his wrists

47. Ask "Why?" all the time

48. Insist on giving him 4,029 bucks for his birthday. If he agrees, proceed to punch him 4,029 times

49. Challenge him to Dance Dance Revolution

50. Throw a Gamecube at his head (Those things seriously hurt)

51. Slap him in the face. Claim there was a fly

52. Rig every mirror to break when he walks by

53. "cough faggot cough"

54.For Easter, send him a bunny rabbit with a knife pierced through it's chest

55. [Inspired by CrazyboutTOS Tell him that Lloyd wants to have "The Talk"

56. [Inspired by Your Undoing Pay random children to go up to him and say, "Daddy! I finally found you!!"

57. Yell, "GOD LOVES YOU!!!!!!" then slap him in the face

58. Give him ten bucks. Tell him to get a decent haircut

59. Ransack his room and graffiti the walls

60. Photocopy a picture of his head and put it on Sheena's body

* * *

VGA: I love this chapter. A friend told me to put #57 up.

AD: Did he slap you?

VGA: Yeah, then I shot him. His body's decomposing in my locker right now. I need to clean that thing out...

AD: (Has a seizure and passes out)

VGA: Sigh Not again.


	4. Chapter 4

VGA: ...

AD: What's with you?

VGA This... is the fourth chapter...

AD: So?

VGA: AFTER TWO MORE CHAPTERS THIS FIC WILL BE OVER!!!!! I'LL NEVER SEE MY REVIEWERS AGAIN!!!!!

AD: Um, allright then. Here's Chapter Four-

VGA: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Attacks Announcer Dude)

* * *

Chapter Four

61. Offer him a coke. Remember to shake it up really hard beforehand.

62. Make a voodoo doll of him and send it to him

63. Challenge him to Donkey Konga

64. Use his hair as an ashtray

65. Scatter lingerie in inconspicuous places. Remember to write his name on all the tags

66. Bedazzle his cape

67. Call his cellphone. When he answers, breathe heavily, then hang up

68. Rig his sword so that it blows up when he unsheathes it

69. Sew on his cape, "Super Kratos!"

70. Ask if you can borrow his nose tweezers

71. [Idea inspired by CrazyboutTOS Whenever you want his attention, yank his hair loose

72. [Idea inspired by kratos's appreintice When he's been injured, smack him over the head and announce that he's been healed.

73. Tape a "BANG!" flag at the tip of his sword

74. When he's unconscious, kick him in the lucky charms

75. Attempt to kill him with a broken beer bottle

76. Present him with the Worlds Biggest Asshole Award

77. Burn a cigarette in his leg

78. Force him to look at all the yaoi, shonen ai, and incest about him on Fanfiction, Youtube, Deviantart, Google, doujinishi sites, MySpace pages, ect.

79. If you're a girl, go up to him and say, "I LOVE YOU KRATTIE SAMA!!!!" then glomp him

80. If you're a guy, go up to him and say, "What up Kratosnator? My main man!" then punch him in the gut

* * *

AD: You feeling better?

VGA: Yeah (Eye twitches)

AD:... You sure?

VGA: YES DAMN IT!!!!!!!!

AD:Please review, for my sake!


	5. Chapter 5

VGA: Sup guys?

AD: You seem cheerier than last chapter

VGA: That's cause I figured out a way to make this fic longer...

AD: Damn, that means I'm still gonna be your muse

VGA: Aw, you know you love being my muse

AD: No

VGA: What? (Pulls out shock collar)

AD: U-uh... Here's Chapter 5!!

* * *

Chapter 5

81. When he's on night watch, sneak up behind him and sing YMCA

82. "Don't die. If you die, I'll kill your ass!!"

83. "Guess what? Your son's gonna be a bloodthirsty villain in the next TOS sequel! You must be the proudest farther alive!!"

84. Hire an exorcist to "cleanse" his soul (If that's possible)

85. Send him a shirt that says, "Mr. Sunshine"

86. Stare at his face intently. If he asks what you're doing, say that there's a bigass booger hanging from his nose

87. "Mr. Kratos, how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?"

88. Say (out loud, in front of several people) that Yuan's waiting for him in the "usual place"

89. Make a farting noise whenever he takes a step

90. Sing the Jaws theme song when he walks by

91. [Idea inspired by CrazyboutToS Tell him the _real_ reason why Lloyd was upset that he was his father

92. [Idea inspired by CrazyboutToS "Kratos isn't gay! He's Bi!"

93. When he says, "Blame your fate" say, "Wild Cats!! Get your head in the game!!"

94. Get him to play spin the bottle with all the other characters. Rig the bottle so that it always lands on Regal

95. Ask him to bear your children (Unless you're a guy, cause that'd be really disturbing)

96. Whistle when he walks by

97. When he's around you, sing, "I got a jar of diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirt!! I got a jar of diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirt!!"

98. Give him a jack-in-the-box disguised as a present. Take a picture of his reaction.

99. When he's about to take Colette, scream, "Pedophile!!"

100. Get down on your hands and knees and beg him to teach you how to be emo

101. Show him this fic

* * *

VGA: It isn't over yet! Chapter Six is gonna be what would happen if he actually did find this fic

AD: What about #83? Lloyd's gonna be evil!?

VGA: I'm not sure. Go to YouTube and look up Tales of Symphonia 2 Jump Festa Trailer. It shows Lloyd battling the two new characters from Ratatosk and he's walking through a fire all evilly and shit. All the old TOS characters are gonna be in the game. I don't know if they're playable though. Ther's also some good stuff on Wikipedia if you're intrested. Beware of spoilers...

AD: Snooooooooooooore...

VGA: Wake the hell up!! (Beats Announcer Dude with a stick)


End file.
